Thursday, August 14, 2003 mood : sleepy and a bit stressed music : my brain fuzzing (seeing the smoke too) if you haven't noticed yet school is back. and i have no time. isn't it grand. i shouldn't be on right now but oh well. i needed a break. i feel for anyone suffering from the unjust amounts of homework one gets for having advanced and AP classes. but why did they have to start the workload on the first week of school. do they really wish to burn us out so quickly? Thursday, July 24, 2003 mood : i'm so happy music : band music- in calem fero tomorrow at 1:00 i will be in the progress of getting my licence!! yes that is right. i have a beautiful 71 250 coupe (mercedes) and will be driving it everywhere from here on out. i love it and it will be my new best friend. mind you it will not replace any of my old best friends. i promise. but it will mean i will stop mooching rides off of you and you may get rides from me. only if you are NOT out of my way and i have gas money. so hope =) in other news i'm killing myself in band and also getting my butt kicked in bball. in other words i'm having the time of my life doing the things i love w/ a passion. demented aren't i? i don't know. you decide. Tuesday, July 8, 2003 mood : depressed angry mad upset incredibly violent feeling music : kutless- pride away why? i don't understand life. i'm going to bball camp tomorrow right? and today is my last day to see anybody before i leave. and so i want to see ben right? not to much to ask. well about an hour and a half ago i discovered that ben is grounded and cannot talk to me or see me. it really doesn't matter about anybody else. just me. why can't she wait to ground him for doing absolutly nothing until after i leave for camp. b/c not only is she punishing ben for doing absolutly nothing she is punishing me. i have spent the last hour and a half crying and throwing things and praying and screaming inside. and it's just not fair to be punished for doing nothing. i don't deserve this. i deserve to go and see ben after band tomorrow. i had a ride and everything. i just don't get it. why can't he be able to do it just for me. if not for him just out of the sake of descent humanity (for me). so in short i want to kill somebody right now. i would consider drowning myself in my bathtub but i really don't see what good it would do if i was dead. it would just make things harder on ben. and i wouldn't be able to go to bball camp. that would really suck. so no worries i won't die, unless one can die of hatred, anger, lack of sleep, and depression i'm good. i guess i'm just trying to say i don't understand life, and never will. i know that it's not fair, i know that it cheats, backstabs, hurts, and occasionally it brings joy, but of course the joy is alwayz followed by more pain then the little joy was worth so i really don't see the point. so if you haven't figured it out yet that being 16 certainly hasn't fixed all my problems, and i'm no where near finished solving the demented game called life. so i think i will wollow in stupidity and ingnorance about it for the rest of my puny life. the joys. maybe i will smile once on the trip to make up for all the pain i was caused tonight. and maybe there won't be any major problems eighter. like the bus creening off the side of a cliff, or the univeristy get caught on fire and we all die of suffication. who knows. maybe just for fun life will do that just to torment me a little more. is it really that sadistic to think it's funny when us puny little ppl cry late into the night just b/c of some stupid thing. does it really laugh when you are at the funeral of someone you love. does it give it devine joy to know that a person commited suicide just b/c they were having a really bad day. does it grin every time you fall and stub your toe? i hope the lord has revenge on it one day. that would be fun to watch. Sunday, July 6, 2003 mood : sleepy music : linking park- somewhere i belong I'M 16 TODAY!!! oh yes i have been 16 for 2 days now and i am loving it. i had the best party in the whole wide world. we had so much fun killing each other at paintball, hanging out, eating, killing pinatas, and other various crazy things. would you expect anything less out of me and my crazy friends? i did miss timmy and jeremy and ben weaver and sarah mattingly, and catlin. it was sad that you couldn't come but we still had lots of fun. hopefully there will be more parties at my house. i'm talking to my mom about it now. but anywayz wedensday i'm going to bball camp in NC. so that will be fun, but of course i will miss everyone back at home. i wish i could pack a bag w/ you guys all in it. that i would never be bored on the road. oh well i love you all. you guys are really great. Thursday, July 3, 2003 mood : not awake yet music : jars of clay - unforgetful you hey there guess what? I GOT A PAINTBALL GUN!!! oh life is good. it's soo pretty. and bball practices aren't bad. i'm accually having a little bit of fun during them. and i think i might have a good time on the trip. but what is really special is that my b-day in only 2 days away. oh yea. i'm going to be 16! finally everyone else in the world is 16 ad i'm still not. but in two days buuyaaa i'm going to be 16 too!! go me go me go me. i think i am running off of a serious lack of sleep so don't mind my pshcyoness. i get to shoot bball w/ my pretty new paintball gun! go me go me go me Sunday, June 29, 2003 mood : sleepy music : 12 stones- broken i'm hope and alive just to let everybody know. i had a really uneventfull trip to South Carolina with melissa. and now i am home and still having an uneventful time. now castostrophic events or trageties. slow monotonus passing of the time is more like it. so i sit here while my mom and dad are up in georgia w/out me and grandma is the only person in the house w/ me all week. the next thing that is worth any attention around here is my b-day party w/ is this saturday, and we of course are all going paintballing the coming to my house for food and fun, ex. ex. (you know you really want a wack at my bball pinata.) just b/c we are all about 16 doesn't mean we don't like acting like we are 2. so i'll be posting about that on a later date. until then, have fun Monday, June 16, 2003 mood : excited music : rain falling outside i'm leaving for south carolina everyone. to go and visit melissa. so i'll try and post while i'm up there. ttys. Thursday, June 12, 2003 mood : pshyco music : little mermaid- poor unfortunate souls hehehe today is the start of a process. this process will be called "making bobbi healthy". with the start of band 2 weeks ago i've been busy running around marching and playing my clarinet. now that i realize it's almost more exercise than bball i need to exercise more. and w/ bball i have to practice about an hour a day. so you put it together you get bobbi stretching, working out, marching, ball handling, shooting, and then stretching again take a shower and then play my clarinet. and there you have it. a perfectly fit healthy bobbi. the fact that i failled to metion food is just a slip of mind. of course i'll be eating healthy but i sort of do that already. i just have to root out the little bit of soda i'd been allowing myself and the chocolate which won't be hard to delete. other than that i'll be eating really healthy w/out much energy. hehehhee. when you guys see me you'll wonder what happened to flappy little brown haired bobbi. hehhe now i'm muscly strong red haired bobbi. i told mom that if i got colored contacts noone would reconize me. ehhehehheheheh the only problem is... it might be true. it's great. and we'll see who can outlast me when it comes to paintballing. oh yea. i'm getting my gun and i'll be able to out run and out last all you want to be in shape ppl. if only my aim where so good. ehhehe. so if you can't tell i'm psyhced and ready to be a slim muscled indivudual. go me. Tuesday, June 10, 2003 mood : not sure music : chad kroeger- hero today was a sort of good sort of bad day. i had a great time at band and ate lunch w/ ben and buu. then i did one of the things on this planet that simply shouldn't have to be done. i had to go to the doctors and the blood sucking ppl took more blood. it was the most awful time in the last month that i had to give the darn stuff. if it wasn't bad enough w/out them taking forever while they are doing it. i hate doctors. you are all out to suck my blood. then mommy treated me to an iccee and we went shopping for a while. then i came home and had to clean my room b/c the cleaning ppl are coming tomorrow. tell me the kind of sense that makes. clean b/c the ppl are coming to clean. oh well. then i got yelled at for the rest of the afternoon for wanting to have a normal live. and then i feel the pressure of all my friends to do things that my parents said "no" too. and if i push any harder you ppl will find i'll be barred to my windows. just have patience till when i get my car. then they'll have to get really creative at saying no to me. oh well. even then try not to expect too much out of me. please. i can only deal w/ so much. and i think this whole doctors shook me up sufficantly to keep me from handling things like i normally do. i'm sorry. please understand. i just thought this summer would be easy going and my parents would let me go wherever. and i least expected my father to show up on the scene again. lord help us all he's the last person i need bothering my life right now. oh well. now that i'm typed you kind ppl all about my puiny little problems i must go and continue to clean my room. bye Sunday, June 8, 2003 mood : content (i think) music : three doors down- kryptonite hey i finally have a chance to post. i'm been too busy for it to be summer. is my mind fooling me? am i really just imagining that this is a break? for it seems i'm just as busy as i was in school. oh well. at least this form of busy is much more fun then sitting in a room listening to a boring teacher and doing homework. hehe. i broke my bball hoop and spent most of yesterday putting a new one together. and then mom bought a ping pong table b/c she thought it would be fun to learn how to play. so i built that for her too. then she wanted me to teach her how to play. so i did that too. then i couped myself up in my room where i'm slowly finishing the lord of the rings. great books. my mother is making me plan my bday party and then i'm planning to go to miss's house the week after next. and amist all this i have to go to band, which i love, and bball and if you ppl know me at all you know already how i feel about bball. i love it. hehheheh. the only bad thing about this summer is my friends are all going out of town (and consequently i am too, to ben's great dismay) and hex and stas are leaving for good. timmy will be home about 8 days this summer and jeremy just left to go to germany. it's depressing. oh well i came to a sad discovery today. that expreso beans only come covered in dark chocolate. you cannot buy milk chocolate covered expreso beans. i wanted to cry. oh well i don't really need the chocolate or the beans. hehehe. oh guess what??? i'm getting red highlights. don't tell ben though. b/c he'll kill me when he sees them hehehhe i can't wait to see his reation. i don't know when i'll get them maybe friday i'll have the time. hehehehehe i really need to do something w/ my hair i'm so sick of looking at the boring browness. maybe after that i'll get it braided again that was fun too. i don't know yet. all i know is that this summer holds lots of potential for fun. i'm getting my licence in little over a month. and say bb to mommy driving me places. heheheh. over all life is good. as long as my dad keeps his butt out of my life this summer will be great. Thursday, June 5, 2003 mood : hyper music : three doors down- changes hey my summer is great and band is time consuming. i am planning my b-day party. my sweet 16 at mike's paintball. go me!! and tomorrow is ben's b-day. so i'm going on the ship w/ him and our friends. that'll be good fun. but if your in town on the 5th give me a call and i'll have you over for my totally untraditional sweet 16. hehehhe g2g bb Friday, May 30, 2003 mood : awake for once music : rammstien- ich will i'm out of school!!!!!!!!!!!! wow it feels so good to be out!!!!! whoooohoooooooooo!!! enough of that. i finally finished my exams and the only grade i got back was spanish and i'd rather not elaborate, b/c spanish is my worst subject. wouldn't want you ppl to think i was stupid or anything. when i get my report card i will tell you my final grades. then i will look a bit smarter. summer is here. but what about my life? well at my sports physical i failed b/c i have mono. and my bball coach threw a fit. it was rather funny to see him like that, but i was really depressed b/c now i have to go back to the doctors. and i refused to do that. i don't know what to do now. but marching band starts tuesday and at least i can go to that if nothing else. it'll be really fun. and would you believe me if i told you i'm going to a LAN party?? no? well i am. hehehhehehehhe i feel so special. go me. go me. i'm a comptuer nerd. and i'm proud of it. well i'm going to go eat lunch w/ my mommy at work b/c i love her. no matter what she thinks i do love her. so there. (sticking tongue out) so i'll be back later to talk about the evils of mono and the way it has taken away my life and bball. ok? until then bb Tuesday, May 27, 2003 mood : sleepy music : mulan sound track hey there. i just took a malicous english exam by a pshycotic english teacher that needs to die. and then played the most funnest thing i've ever played...COUNTER STRIKE hehehhehehhe. i love killing little running men on a comp screen. hehehhe. it brings me so much joy. hehhehehh. and i spend the rest of the afternoon w/ a biology review sheet stuck in my nose. that thing was hell an back, and in the end i just threw it at ben and tim and told them to have fun b/c i couldn't take it anymore. so i went and tried to take a nap. i was sleepy ok? this whole mono thing has made me all grouchy and cranky when i get tired. it's so annoying. well i'm all sleepy and stuff so i'm leaving now. i'll tell you how the evil exam goes tomorrow. bb Monday, May 26, 2003 mood : sleepy music : kutless- vow hey i'm sorry it's been so long. all last week i was so swamped by homework and catching up w/ my life. yes i took my life back off of my air vent and restablished it in my body. so now i haveit back and i feel much better for it. if you guys haven't got the memo yet. I'M BETTER!!! isn't it great?? well not better ask ben what i looked like after climbing up that darn mountain. which leads me to my next point... i went to Georgia this weekend!! hehehe me mom ben buu and grandma went up to georgia. yep you heard me right ben went up w/ me!! heheh it was so much fun. except that most of the time i was sleeping. i guess it comes w/ having mono and being forced to climb up mountians. and we went on the dirt bike and played pool and watched braveheart and all sorts of good things. it was good (greeaatttttttt) fun. =) well i've been neglegting my english, as the exam slowly draws closer and closer to it's impeding doom. so i'll be going now. bye bye everyone. see ya soon Wednesday, May 21, 2003 mood : busy music : nothing hey i've been why to busy with the whole making up a week's worth of school to post lately. i am alive if you wanted to know. that's all i have time for now. ttyl bb Friday, May 16, 2003 mood : mixed feelings music : the little mermaid- part of your world day 8 a taste of freedom (only to be stripped away again) i woke up nice and early to go to the doctors. i was soo tierd b/c i couldn't sleep at all last night b/c i was thinking about flying needles stabbing me in my bed. so at about 3 or 4 i drifing into nightmare filled sleep. so i stumbled into the doctors awaiting my sorry fate. they stabbed me then told me i might be able to go back to school on monday, if i was better than last time i was there, but for at least a month i couldn't do any i mean ANY physical activity. no bball, w/ the championships coming up soon, i won't be able to play. when i thought about it i wanted to curl up and die. then w/ marching band i won't be able to play next year so i might never be able to play in a real game ever again. and speaking of marching band, i won't be able to do anything but sit and play for a month. so maybe i'll be able to go to school. which thank you lord i'm glad of, but i can't do anything else!! i hate this. and mom says i can only do one thing every weekend. which means i still don't have a life. i hate this. then after all this LOVELY news they kicked me out and told me to have a lovely day. great isn't it?? oh and imagine if i get a BAD report i might as well give up on life. not going back to school at all, never being able to do anything. might as well confine me to bed for a year, and tell me to enjoy myself. hmph. then i went back to mom's store and worked on my spanish project all day, and whent to school to make up a history test and get my science stuff. me and ben whent to john smith's and ate french fries while our biology teacher was eating and evesdropping on us. yea i swear she was stalking us. and then i called mom and found out i could go see the matrix w/ ben, staz, alex, and jeremy. it was awsome. the thought of haveing a life. seeing my friends. having real fun. but when i got there i clung to them like a dead brick and wouldn't let go. and i wouldn't let myself have any fun, b/c i kept thinging about how i would lose them in a little while. so i really had a bad time of it. when they dropped ben off you had to peel me off of him like a leech, and at my house they had to drag me to the door. i didn't want to leave, b/c i knew i wouldn't see them again for so long. i will see ben and jeremy and alex on sunday, but staz is on the seniour trip, and well i'm back in my confides now. and i can't do anything. i have to life. it was all stripped away, just like i feared. i know i should had fun while i could, but i couldn't let the thought of leaving leave my head. it all ended so soon. the movie was over and everyone left. i hate this. well it's no use it is happening whether i want it too or not. life doesn't ask if you like what it's giving you, but it should. it's just not fair. and not to mention i didn't see hex ot tim or jsoh, jerms amd jon who i was sopose to see at teenfest last friday. and i hate this. life was so great till i bust out w/ mono. i thought i finally got it all back together. got over my mental breakdown, had my last panic attack, got over my depression. and poof i'm back to block one, got mono and with it got depressed again and is freaking out everytime i see ppl. and i have panic attacks at the thought of losing the ppl i get to see so little. so in short, please pray for me. i need it. i'm going now to plot how to hang myself off my air vent. i promise i won't do it, but it's a comforting thought. and i need a bit of comfort right now. bb everyone Wednesday, May 14, 2003 mood : quite satisfied music : skillet- you are my hope day 6 and 7 let me see tuesday was my first real day. like the day i woke up and said "i'm not letting this get me down anymore." then i really got productive. i got 4 pages of my spanish project done, which are really pretty. and i did a lot of my history work. then i got a really nice surprise. Ben stopped by to say hi. he didn't even tell me he was coming. it was the best thing that had happened to me since well, thursday. then i did my normal go on the internet and get in touch w/ various ppl, i had a really good day. overall it was like a normal saturday,except it wasn't saturday. wedensday today i didn't wake up till 11:00 after being awoken by a series of really strange dreams. i couldn't believe that i woke up that late. and i thought about if i was going to school how i would be up at 7:00 and i almost thought i was nice being home. can you tell my mindset is really really different then it was before? and then i ate and took a shower. Buu was home getting ready for his trip to our Georgia house, and he dropped me off at my mom's store. it was the first time i was out of the house in 6 days. it was really exciting. i accually talked to her customers! i was that deprived of seeing ppl. sad huh? and i spent my afternoon studing for history. mom dropped me off at school as the buses were pulling out and i couldn't contaminate anybody. so i took a history test and two quizes that i missed in the last 6 days. yea we work that fast paced in that class. and i have to go in tomorrow and make up another history test. ben stayed after so he could see me again and we walked to john smith's after i was done, and mom picked us up and came here. and we watched harry potter till his mom came and picked him up. that was really fun. i got to act like a real girl today. i feel kinda like pinochio, " papa i want to be a real boy!" pretty bad huh? i think so. then i ate dinner and well here i am. tomorrow i have to go back to the doctors. if everybody who cares would send up a prayer for me. i have to give more blood. i hate it so much. but i'm so desperate to get back to my life i'm willing to have to face my worst fear. needles. yea. i'm really desperate. then i'm going to mom's store again and working on my spanish project again. after that i'm be going to school again to make up that history test. and i believe i'll be seeing my ben again, b/c he'll be staying after. hehehe. live is brightening up. sorry jerms and jon i won't be at home all day anymore to bother you. it was fun, but i like school better. sorry. i got work to do and clarinet's to play. tty tomorrow. bb Monday, May 12, 2003 mood : calm - for once music : switchfoot- let that be enough day 5 well i've done some work today. got english and math done. go me ready for more work this afternoon. i woke up to the ring of my telephone. i thought that was really odd. so i picked it up half asleep to be awaked by the strangest voice. wait i knew that voice. what was that? you are my father. yes that's right dad called me this morning. first time i talked to him since november. and what did he have to say for himself. he was trying to give me a guilt trip over leaving his house. he hasn't changed a bit. he has a way w/ words but he can't hide his motive from his own daughter. so i caught him at his own game. he'll never become creative at lying. after that i called jerms and talked to him then i played mario to waste the time till lunch. Ben called during lunch and i got him for a whole 10 mins or so. go me. then i started doing real work. i typed up an english essay and algebra homework from friday. and soom i'll be loaded up w/ more stuff to do. then mom will be coming home w/ all the supplies for my spanish project and i'll be up to my ears w/ work. so i have finally found somthing to waste all my time. work. wow. what i new concept. so much for you ppl who thought it would be fun to stay isolated for a week, while still doing all your normal work would be fun. you ought to try it some time. i really do miss the outside world. i miss ppl even the annoying ones. Lord, i never thought i would say that. oh well i'm desprate for ppl contact. have a good day everyone i'll prob be busy for the rest of the night. Sunday, May 11, 2003 mood : happy !!! music : relient k - pressing on i think i'm getting somewhere now. i'm happy!! that's all have to say about afternoon of day 4. isn't it great, other than i have done absolutely nothing productive except type and concider being productive. oh well i'm off to be more productive. bb Sunday, May 11, 2003 mood : little better music : backgroud of rockin robin from a page nick sent me friday to cheer me up day 4- morning of mother's day today started like anyother day. wake up to find everybody gone. mom whent to church w/out me this morning. and buu going south to visit my brother ricky. so left to my own devices i decided to eat a bowl of cereal and maybe attempt a call to ben. YES finally one good this i got to talk to ben. hehehhe so that was the first really positive thing that has happened in the last 3 days. it's all gone downhill fromt there. first may i explain that i feel perfectally fine. i am no longer feeling sick in any way shape or form. so thinking that maybe i might get out of this whole quarintine bussiness i was almost excited. so mom was home w/ gorceries and i helped her take them out. and made a sandwhich for lunch. i told her that i felt fine and should go back to school. she told me no, and to stop thinking about it. i asked if i could get an early doctors appointment and see if i was better. she said that they wouldn't take me. i asked her if i could she my friends, and she said " what is your grade point average. are you stupid. i thought you understood that you were highly contagious." almost in tears i told her that i probably already contaminated the whole school and it really doesn't matter. she told me that i am not allowed to do anything untill i get the ok from the doctor, b/c they have filed some sort of report to some really big ppl about how i'm highly contagious and am not allowed to go anywhere. and i could get her into big trouble if did. i told her i wasn't fair and she told me this, " you are just pitying yourself. get over yourself." i told her all i wanted to do where to see my friends and she said that i was selfish and should rest like i was told. so i got up and left. i know she mad at me and she doesn't understand me at all. so it is useless to get any hope up. and these ppl appearently could take weeks getting around to giving me the ok. i might not be allowed back to school for the rest of the year if they don't see fit. it's just not fair. i'll be back to report on the rest of my day later. good ridence world. oh yea and thanx nick for the smile page. it's really funny to watch. oh and i forgot one thing. mom also told me the dogs that come and visit her where better children to her than i am. they accually appericate her. i feel so loved. Saturday, May 10, 2003 mood : even crapier crap on that corndog music : nothing day 3 well here goes nothing. it's been plain hell since i found out and today isn't getting any better. it's 10:41 pm right now. and if you really want to make my day you can call me and tell me you are dying too. or that the world is about to implode. i really wouldn't care at this point. so about the day i woke up this morning to the sounds of buu and mom in the kitchen. i lay in bed pretending to be dead and wishing it were true. to bad i didn't get my wish. it would have saved me my today. and then i wouldn't have to worry about facing tomorrow. oh and id you have anything to say about me being up so late you can fuck a cow for all i care right now. the only things that would make me happy right now is if ben called, sara told me she isn't going to die, or if i magically got rid of mono. oh yea about the START to my day sorry i got sidetracked. so i got up and had a yogurt for breakfest and had my grandma following me around like a fruit fly asking if i wanted anything to drink. so i whent to my room and played mario. yes you heard me right i turned on my TV and PLAYED A VIDEO GAME yea i though you would have that look on your face. then i heated up so leftovers for lunch and ate. i finished my biology table then played some more. i finally got bored of that and started to read. and i read, and read, and read, and heard a knock at the door. chelz was on a 4-wheeler w/ josh. she was at her cousins house and wanted to say hi. um ... she didn't know i was sick. pretty bad huh? she used to be my best friend. that was my human contact for the day. go me 10 points. then i settled down and read some more. thoughts of depression were taughting me so i decided to take a shower to cool me off. then i read and read, and the phone rang and to my delite i heard "hey beautiful" it was my love. but, um , yea he was just calling to tell me he could NOT talk and to get some rest. yea. ben i'm really sorry i couldn't talk to you it's just the feelings of sorrow and rage i got when the phone call i most waited for all day. that sent me racing to the phone w/ my heart pounding in my chest was a big fat letdown. and i was left bitterly crying on my bed. so i made myself get back up and read some more. at about 10:00 i was so sick of reading that book could have screamed. but my mom might not have appericated it, her and buu were enjoying there dinner in the kitchen. so i turned off my lights and made a fruitless call to ben's house. his mom picks up and tells me what i already know, ben is at the movies, with friends more important than me. or maybe he just doesn't care anymore. i don't know. oh how about this. i'm causing to much stress in his life so he finds reasons to not have to talk to me. if i'm willing to admit it to myself it's accually him having a life w/out me. b/c he might be able to cope w/out me there but i can't cope all by meself trapped in my bedroom all day w/out needing him. not letting myself mopp about my sitituation i try and call josh. drat the line is busy. i call and call, patiently waiting when the line was free. over long nights and much patience i've almost perfected the skill. i get a answer. but to no avil. he can't talk. he only got off b/c he had to go to bed. so i got in one smile and a siffled laugh and then had to say goodbye and were still left w/ my nasty suicidal thoughts and devisive plans. not wanting to be overcome by these thoughts i attempt to pray once again. but the ceiling grows to be a mile thick. and i feel all alone w/ useless word bouncing off the ceiling and reverberating though my walls. i sign online to type all this out only to check my mail first. and the joy a goot another e-mail from sara. no doubtedly telling my how she doesn't love me and thinks i should die agian, like that one she wrote earlier today? nope this one was even worse. amist her anger towards me over my neglagence of her she tells me she has been diagnoses w/ HIV. thank you sara for topping off my day. and i would like to tell you if the e-mail wasn't enough, that i do love you, no matter what you say to me, or do to me. i don't care if you refuse to day you ever knew me or befriended me when i needed it most at west pines so long ago, i will still love you. even if i have to go to your funeral unacknowlaged for being your friend i will still love you. update... sara was misdiagnosed and does not, let me repeat, does not, have HIV. they got her name mixed up w/ a different sara cruz. that is good. thank you lord. that was my day in short. my i never have to recall it agaim. thank you lord that it is almost over, only one hour till it's a part of the past. Saturday, May 10, 2003 mood : like crap on a corndog music : nothing day two isn't today just such a beautiful day? it's just tricking you. it just wants you to believe that it is a beautiful day. but as soon as you turn your back the storm clouds roll up and it starts to pour on your head. you start to run, but you are already dripping wet. water rolling down your back and humidity fogging your glasses. you look up and realize you don't know where you are going, this was not the way you came. lightning cracks right behind you. the storm follows at your heels. running and running you think you can go no father. you trip over your own two feet, mud cligging to your clothes and sucking you toward the ground. you try to get up but you can't find the strength. you pull with all your might but to no avil. you are still stuck in the mud. the thuderstorm has caught up to you now. the lighting just inches from your feet. you brace yourself for the searing pain, but it never comes. the sudden crack and you are up. sweat soaked in your bed, looking out your window at the trenchal rain. that about how my life feels right about now. i'm stuck in the mud and can't get away. then i wake up and realize that i'm really in my bed and will be stuck there for the next week. if i'm lucky. we will not let ourselves think about being not so lucky. Nor can my mind comprehend that i've only been here for two days. no contact but by phone of the outside world. no reason to keep going. no reason to live. i wonder if i sleep long enough if maybe i will never get up again. maybe i'll never move. but then those thoughts seep through my mind, of terror, of excape, of freedom. and with them i'm awake again. my mind hoping for a reprive from it's pain. but non seems to be coming. there is no help to be found. i'm still stuck in my cold silent prison, where no happiness can be found. so about yesterday. yea. i didn't do anything very exciting if you haven't fiqured that out yet. i talked online, and i slept, ate, talked, slept, ate, talked and i think i slept and talked one more time after that. that is what i have to look forward too for the rest of my week. so if anybody thinks they have no life try and beat this hell. i don't think you can. oh yea, i do get to do one other thing to do then sleep, eat and talk. i get to do homework and tests. go me. i think i'm going to die now. have a nice exciting day everybody. hug somebody for me, b/c i'm not allowed too. i can't even see a friend. so appericate everything you have today. i know i will once i get out of this. i think you will find a more appericative Bobbi. Friday, May 9, 2003 mood : awake!! music : sonic flood- lord of the dance ok everybody. i have mono and i have been quarintined for 2 weeks into my bedroom. this journal will be one of my few outside contacts to the outside world. and when mom gets home i don't know if i will be able to talk though this. don't worry you can still call me. mind you though they say that if i don't get enough rest i could die. great huh? so if you want me to die, just call all the time, ok? hehehehe. if you can tell i'm in a much better mood then i was yesterday if i was awake enough to call you. and to those i did reach you talked to me too long to let me talk to anybody else. it's all your fault you used up my limited resourses of energy. so i will be logging my adventures of bored bobbi. i'll have little to nothingto do and i'll be on here all the time, to put it nicely. so here goes nothing. day one yesterday was thursday May 8, 2003, yearbook chapel. i got to dress down and everybody told me i looked cute in my black pants and white button down top and flame shoes. ever since tuesday after getting my blood taken at the doctors i've felt like crap on a corndog. (that's putting it nicely) i played in my bball game tuesday night like a good little idiot, and i almost passed out in the effort. or as the doctors would have put it i was on the verge of death and my liver was probably damaged, ect ect. doctors!! grrrrr. wedsday and thursday were just bad. in school it was all i could do to just stay awake in class, let alone pay attention. but i couldn't go home, i love my friends too much. so i stayed and wished i was dead. thursday afternoon i was waiting for my mom like a good little child when she pulled into one of the parking spots and got out and locked her door. i whent "otoh" b/c i thought i was in big trouble for something and i was having a teachers meeting or something. then mom told me i wasn't coming back and i could die, so i should get all my work from my teachers. yea that's exactally what she told me. wouldn't you just love to hear that when you are standing in the middle of the school parking lot expecting to go to the library and get a good book. not get your assingments from your teachers for two weeks. so i walk into Mrs Caurothers room and i start to cry. not to mention i wasn't the only person in the room, i was so embarassed and mad and scared yea it just wasn't good. so she told me i could take notes on two chapters and do all the reviews and it would make up for all the class work everyone will be doing for the nect two weeks. and i told my table home to finish it, b/c it is a test grade. then i walked to Miss Heath who was walking in the hallway. and she just told me to look online and keep in touch w/ tracie and sarah for my assingments, which is her way of saying that she doesn't know what she's doing yet. hehe. then my next person was Mrs Tumas. i love her. we are like sisters we are so close. last year she had me for 2 classes and this year it's 3. so i walked all the way over there and i was balling before i even got there b/c i'll miss her so much. and in there was a buch of my eniemes making up a history test. so i was quite embarrassed again. so i walked over to her and well talking was about out of the question. she knew what happened b/c well she just knows. and so she told me she'll email me my tests and tracie will fax me all my notes and stuff. so i should worry about anything. and when i walked out of there i saw the marching band ppl. and there was sarah and i started walking over to talk to her. and must i tell you again that i was still crying histerically? well if you must know i was. and she give me a hug, and i told her know she prob has to get tested for mono. and she would die. and she told me not to worry and she loves me and all that good stuff. and then i still had to go to Mrs Silva for my spanish stuff. she told me not to worry just let her and sarah finish my spanish project b/c i should have to worry about it. i fiqured i have enough time that i can sit here and illistrate it for her though. so i'll be drawing little fishy pics for my spanish picture. if you were wondering it's a story book in spanish. and we are doing it about a bad little fish (el pez chiquito malo) that got swallowed by a big fish for being bad, and then he prayed and promised not to be bad again and was saved. then that little bad fish was never a bad fish again. he was el pez chiquito bien. then i went to get my stuff from my algrbra teacher but she is out of town on a track meet. so i got all my books from my locker and went home. there i called ben and you can only imagine the state of being i was in telling him i couldn't see him for two weeks. yea, i'll leave that up to your imagination. so comunicating almost nothing to him about 30 mins later he had to go. so i called josh and told them all that i won't be going to teen fest tonight. mind you i was still crying. go me! i hate crying. grrr. so i just made josh's already bad day only that much more. sorry josh. then i call ben weaver. and he made made me laugh. (josh did too but well ben has this knack of making me go into histerically fits of laughing) and after getting an even worse headache then the one i already had that day , and the added pain from the crying, then the laughing, i thought i was die or my head explode. so then i got off and baked brownies to make myself feel better. then when they were in the oven i called timmy. and he went crazy, i thought he would cry and kill himself or something. it was bad. poor tim. i love all my friends they all love me too much for there own good. jerms just told me he doesn't know what he'd do w/ out me. i love you guys!!! anywayz timmy told me when i got back he'll have a really big party for me and he'll have to get my yearbook so all the ppl that love me will be able to sign it. but he said that too many ppl will have to sign so i'll have to send extra paper. hehehe. so an overview now. all my teachers are praying for me and love me and want me to worry about getting better not my homework, sarah loves me and just wants me to be better by when band starts, ben was being so supportive instead of breaking down he was there and tried to make me feel better. josh started putting me in a better mood and snapped a bit of reality in me that this will all be over in a little while. and how him and jerms and jon who are my im buddies during school hours now, b/c they are homeschooled, will miss me during teenfest and have to see me as soon as i'm better. and ben who make my go into fits of hysterics, and told me not to worry about anything and that i won't miss anything b/c they can't do anything w/out me. and how bored they will be w/out me for the next 2 weeks. and then timmy who made me feel like a million bucks. i think i'm the luckyiest person in the world. and b/c these ppl love me too much i couldn't get them off the phone, so i couldn't call everyone. so tracie, sara, mis, chelz, and anyone else i should have called please understand how tierd i was yesterday. and i couldn't dial the numbers. i fell asleep at about 8:00. so i'm sorry and i will be calling you this afternoon. so i love you too. so that was my thursday. Tuesday, May 6, 2003 mood : dead music : nothing i have mono (thud) ps. happy 16th mis Monday, May 5, 2003 mood : worried, tierd and shaky music : nothing i'm still tierd from staying out so late on saturday. i went to bed at around 2 and woke up for church in the morning at 8. then i had a game (we won by forfiet) and ate and was kept up late by Ben who was working on his video (bible project). so i was tierd to begin w/ today. then i got my schedule form for next year, and i have to decide my classes. i don't do good w/ that kind of thing. it makes me antsy. then ben gave me the marching band schedule and i freaked out. at first i was happy then a thought came into my mind, "if i'm in marching band i can't play bball." that was it. i haven't stopped shaking all day. in detention i couldn't write b/c my hands were shaking. you should have seen the mess i scrawled out. it was just plain bad. when i was eating at john smiths i couldn't even tell if there was mayo on my sub b/c my taste buds were shot. i'm out of wack. i think i'm going to combust or implode or something. i know when i was planning to join marching band i wasn't going to be able to do both, but i didn't really let myself think about it. but now that i am i think i'm going to die. my life is bball, and i don't know if i can function w/out it. but i really really want to do marching band!! oh, Lord, what should i do? i believe this will be the turning point in my life. it is one of those 5 big life changing decisions in your life or something like that. bball and sports sholarships, collage ball, the love of the game vs. band parties, playing my clarinet, being w/ the best ppl in the world (band ppl) (very close to computer nerds though i must admit) and sara's are in a place of there own, out in there own little (i mean big) part of the sphere of bobbi. anywayz. i know i'm going to pick marching band, but i am still going to cry over bball. just for the record i volenteerily told you ppl that i was going to cry. yes i am showing girlish tendancies no matter how much i hate to admit it i am i girl. so i am overcoming that mindset very slowly w/ that help of all my guy friends (ex. ben ben and tim). anywayz i'm still pretty shcky so i ought to go. i need sleep really badly. bye bye Saturday, May 3, 2003 mood : excited music : watching jumangi i'm going to juinor senior tonight!!!!! i'm so excited. i bought my dress this morning, and got my hair done and i did my nails. Lord help me, you ppl know i hate dressing up. and i'm doing this just for Ben. i hope you apperciate every thing that i do for you. and i also got him his birthday prestent while i was at it. it's a black cloak. nothing more could describe it. it is the most awsome thing in the world. and Ben knows all to well how good he looks in it. IF you continue to have that big head i may want to help you minimize it. HEHE anywayz. Timmy and Jeremy are coming too, once again help us all. tonight will be INTERESTING, to say the least. heheh i can't wait. and i have nothing to do until 8:00 3 hours!! i think i'm going to die until then. mom and buu are out to eat dinner w/ some preppy ppl and i'm at home w/ grandma. so if you need me i'll be playing cards and watching tv. once again i don't watch tv. it's the first time the thing has been on in over a year. can you tell i'm bored and figity? i'm going to die. anywayz i'll be home at about 1 tonight so i'll tell you how it went tomorrow. if my soul hasn't been stolen by pictures by the time i'm out the door and i live till then i will post and tell you how it is. so for now i will be a bored individual. see ya all later. and if you are going to the after party then you will see me in a dress, nails painted, and hair put up. so come one come all to the kings afterparty! bye bye now Thursday, May 1, 2003 mood : happy!! music : Audio A- DC-10 hey today is thursday. and if you know how i normally feel on thursdays (my least fav day of the week) you would be scared at the statement. I don't know why i'm so happy, but i am. i think it's b/c i get to go to the juinor/ senoir afterparty on saturday w/ ben. it'll be so fun!!! you have no idea! or that i'm listening to this awsomely catchy song. if you have ever heard underdog by Audio A you know DC-10 is the more hyped song on the planet. well that can't be it, b/c i've been hyper all day. it might be that i got way to much sleep yesterday afternoon. i took a nap from 7-9 and then went to bed at 12. so it might have messed me up. or maybe i'm just in some psychotic IT'S ALMOST SUMMER!! kind of thing. but right now life is looking up !! don't worry i'm sure something will go terribly wrong or like this post will delete itself or my computer will spontaniously combust. maybe my socks will stand up and smother me in my sleep. maybe ben will get in a car accident on the way home and die. who knows maybe i'll get into a car accident and die. but life just can't be this happy. i'm sorry if my cynical side is flowing out here, but i'm just like that. ok i will surrender for know. and let the good things come. but mind you i am watching my back for Staz or Ben to poke me and bust my little bubble of happiness. don't you worry about me. i'll be just fine crying in my little puddle of shattered dreams. crap i was supose to be an optomist for once. didn't that crash like a plane into a big tall mountian! ohh!! i can't win i did it again. i cannot bring myself to think of a permanant state of happiness. i give up i'll be going now b/c the world implodes and we all die. maybe one person will be able to read this before we all die. goodbye and goodnight. Wednesday, April 30, 2003 mood : sleepy music : newzboys- remixed i'm trying really hard to wake up. i have to study for a science test at 9:30 so i need to like slap myself in the face and wake up. i was sleepy this afternoon so after starting science and eating dinner i collapsed on my bed. an well i woke up at 9:00. and i feel like a dead log who was cooked in the fire and kicked into ashes after being fried, just to let you all know. i'm sorry i haven't been posting lately i've been so bball happy and research paper geared i have had no time. sorry to anyone who may be mad at our lack of connection lately. please accept my apology. now i'm trying to recatch all my sleep. i got a detention day! first one at kings. that means i've been good enough not to get detentions. not that i don't have the weekly squirmish w/ the administration or anything. but you gotta hear why i got a detention. i was late to homeroom 3 times. why do they detention ppl for that? ask the school it's there new way to get ppl into detntion if you ask me. oh well, me and ben have it together, b/c we are alwayz in the band room in the mornings and the walk from there to stuzman's room is so long we alwayz end up being late. oh well. i still have 3 more chances bfore a get another one. so i'l hope not to get another one this year. mom won't be thrilled if i get two. one is fine, not two. that shows extreme lack of respnisblity if you repeat the same crime 6 times. even if it's tardyness. not to mention mother is the most puncual person i know. so in the hallwayz you will alwayz see ben and me sprinting to homeroom in hopes to beat the bell. please cross your fingers at 8:25 in hopes of us making it. i think we only have what, 23 days of school left, i think. We can do it!! i'll be going to study to study for boilogy now, so i'll ttyl ok bb Sunday, April 27, 2003 mood : very mixed feelings right now music : silence well i have written in the last few days, the only problem is that it, well, never got posted. so two pages of my pretty work down the drain. never to be recovered. like all the thought that was wasted before i got one of these happy little journals. i was really sick on tuesday night after my bball game gone wrong, and it continued on wedsday and a little on thursday. fri i was ok, but i went on a trip with my yearbook class to Miami and the bus trip almost killed me. not that i didn't get anything out of the conference b/c i was good, but i just wasn't planning on being a decreipid old person that day. fri night i went home w/ ben (on the bus grrrrrr) and we went to the musical. i fail to understand the end of it, and maybe i never will, but oh well. if you were wondering it was called carosel. then on saturday i went to ben's again to help ben w/ a bible video. so me, hex, pino, tim, jeremy, tim, and of course ben. so we spent the afternoon paintballing tim and jermey, and then running around ben's house killing everybody. how much fun. today i am celebrating the finishing of my research paper!!!!!!!!!!!!! it is finally finished. i'm so excited!! i only hope my grade on it is good. miss heath really doesn't like me, my topic, the way i write, or well she just doesn't like much. so i'm a little worried about it. oh well. i ought to do good. i have a bball game today at 4:00 i'll tell youall later if i win. go comets! rah! (not really) so i'll be leaving now b/c i'm still mad at this thing for my loss of a post last time and i refuse to write to much. i know there is almost no theory behind that it just works in my head. i'm sure you understand it too sara. hehe bye bye ppl Tuesday, April 22, 2003 mood : tried and cranky music : NFG- sucker i'm in a crappy mood. just ask anyone who's attempted to talk to me in the last two hours (ie. my parents). to put it nicely my bball game was a personal loss. i won't bother to waste my energy on telling you the not-so-nice version. i have a headache and i can't be bothered. if you are that curious and brave for that matter you can dare to call. i might "accidentally" hang up on you and you will find my line busy for a little while after that. if you know me very well you ought to know i try to be an easygoing person. and when by chance i get mad i hit something (or sombody) very weakly and i'm all better. my anger don't go any farther. well i make one excpetion. i don't get over it when i'm the one that screws up. i may never forgive myself. i'll probably go to my grave w/ every bball paly i've screwed up in my life playing through my head. don't you dare say anything. i'll get over it. i don't want to hear about it. ok?! ok if anyone is like a brillant scientist or just really really smart could you tell me why i've been having a persistant little booger of a headache since last wendsday? well to be blunt it isn't the "little" of a booger but we all suck up and deal w/ things don't we? well we have to or we'll get thrown in a ditch and be claimed useless. or at least i think so about myself. who knows if i isn't true. i've been realizing i judge myself really harsh. so now whenever i start to judge myself again i try to take into consideration what others that care about me might say. yes ben, josh, sara, sarah, tracie, and mis i do think about you in situations. and about what you would all say. it's a rather long thought to be sure but i try. oh well i think i've talked about my faults tonight. (i don't take critism well if you didn't already know that) most of you do i'm sure. oh well on to happier things did i read my typing right? happy. let me think !!! ohohohohohohoh i thought of some really happy things. i'm going to so carosel w/ ben fri,i'm going to his house sat to make a video w/ all my buds, over the summer i get to hand w/ my bud mis!! ok lots of happy things. maybe one day i will become an optomist atfer all. (yea when hell freezes over and God becomes satan) opps i think that was pessimistic son't get your hopes up. love you all. hehhe signing off this is bob hehhehehehhehehehehhe =) you can change my mood to "happy now" hehhehehhe Monday, April 21, 2003 mood : hyper beyound belief, w/ a headache to top it off music : Audio A- ocean floor i'm here just to say "hi" b/c i'm really sopose to be doing homework like a gook little girl and not typing online. so i'll be going now so i don't het yelled at. plus my head kills really bad and i can't see straight. Sunday, April 20, 2003 mood : trierd and upset music : kutless- tonight hey just as i suspected, all the little annoying ppl showeed up for easter and i had the worst headache from little screaming kids. i whent out to rollerblade and good lord they all followed me!! the adults w/ all the little brats in tow. they just won't leave me only. and everyone thought it just hilarious that i don't like kids and tryed to leave me in rooms w/ them alone. once they stuck me outside w/ them all and shut the door. by the time we left i wanted to kill someone, most likely shelia for popping out all those little creaters, oppps i mean angelic beings. (scowl) so i came home and finshed my earth day project like a good little child and try to call ben and his lovely sister is doing a project so she is on the phone and online. for over an hour now. i havent' talked to ben since thrusday and she just has to be a little brat. she went camping w/ her friends all this weekend dragging ben in tow, and he gets home and i can't talk to him. if i've ever wanted to beat someone agaist a pole she would be my first choice. sorry if you think i'm mean. tough. oh i just have to put in a little paragraph about my church dress this morning. mom got me this nice little lavendar dress and jacket and black high heels and told me to wear it to church. ahhhh!! so off i go tripping over myself b/c of my shoes and the short tight dress i'm in. i thought i was going to die of embarassment. then all of the compliments just made me burn. i was so mad at mom going "you look so pretty. everybody says so. you are going to dress nicer from now on" !!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to scream. but if i did mom would hear me. so i won't. i got to run. more important things calling. bye bye for now hehehhehehehheheeeeeeeeeee Saturday, April 19, 2003 mood : jovial music : kutless- your touch hehehhehe jovial is my new word of the day!! go me!! i didn't want to write down that i was happy, so i grabbed out my handy dandy thesaurus (aren't i a dork?) and found all of these nifty words. it's great. you'll get another cool one next time i'm happy. now to why i am happy. i finished 4 1/2 pages of my research paper so i am more than half way down. and, to my utter delite, it's not due till next wendsday not this friday. so i get another weekend to work on it. whooo hooooo!!!! so after all that work i read my book (the next one in the series that i finished so late last night.) then i was forced out of my happy little hole to eat dinner w/ my family and entertain them by losing at cards. Finally able to excape i decided to sign on and listen to some good music. ahhh the relief from the silent day. music. i'm so happy to hear it. if you can tell i'm a little hyper, sheerly off of the lack of doing anything today. i was to pressed to work on my paper to get outside and play bball so i've been too couped up. ahhhh!! don't worry. i'll live. tomorrow Easter a day that means so much reduced to so little. it's depressing to see what the culture has done to it. not to mention i reallly don't need the overdose of sweets. josh and sara and anyone else who is giving me an angery look for saying that b/c i'm not fat, i don't care if i was paper thin, it's just not heathly to eat chocolate and pure sugar. though you know i enjoy the pure sugar much more. sarah don't give me that look, i can drink mountian dew if i want to (sticking toungue out at you) hmph. back to the main point. Jesus died on the cross so we can get to heaven not burn like maggots in a pit of molten lava. or at least that's how i see hell. it's a lake of fire so hey why not molten lava and burning rock plumulting you while you in total darkness skreiking in sheer terror and pain. nice mental piture huh? well Jesus whent through that for three days so you wouldn't have to touch your little toes in the pit. what thanks do we give him? a pat on the back? a quick trip to church, if that. we hurry home and eat eggs. EGGS: who thought of eggs by the way. i hate eggs. dye them make them beautiful (if you want to call a little round thing pretty) and they still taste bad. you hide them in the yard and if you don't find them their sent will give them away about a week of the lovely flordia sun later. aren't i just a pitcure of optimissism? i think so. (producing my best utterly fake smile) well what is one little brat like me going to do in the big picture anywayz? who knows a little ripple can affect a whole pond. maybe i'll start something by making a stand. oh well. stand or no stand i still have to go to grandma's house. rahhhh boooo i'm planning an excape as we speak. i'm going to bring my rollerblades and sneak off to the intercostal. and poof i'm off. rollerblading down flagler. i love it down there. so peaceful, wind wiping in your face as you hear the sound of rollerblades on smooth pavement. the intercoastal so calm so serene. the sun relecting off it making the world around you shine like you are in a dream. a dream way to real to accually be reality. how know. maybe i'll have fun after all. but not until i excape THE FAMILY. ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. hehehhehehhehehhe and they say i don't have problems. well i think i will retire back to my book which seems to be consuming all my time lately. i still have an earth day project to finish. well at least i like drawing. it's not as bad as a research paper, you don't really have to think, except about how to make a beautiful masterpiece (which i don't really consider a thought proccess, i consider it an art in and of itsself.) ok ok i promise i'll be leaving. i just didn't quite say when. bye bye now. heheh i'm not gone yet. boo oh you thought i left? you thought wrong didn't you? hehe bye bye Friday, April 18, 2003 mood : tierd music : the ringing in my ears it's late. i'm tierd. i'm a useless book acholic and there is nothing you can do about it. i stay up way to late just to get in that last 150 pages. i don't know if you know how that goes, but it's great fun till your eyes are red the room is blury and you swear you are in a forgein land with some sort of buzzing in your ears. i'm a prime example for how a person dissociates while reading. i think i'm the worse. if you have ever had the privlege of holding a conversation w/ me after reading for awhile you'll know what i'm talking about. the glazed over eyes, slow reflexes, confused expression, these are the prime symtoms for book dissociation. considering i'm doing an eight page paper on DID (dissociative identity disorder) i know all about that kind of thing. anywayz taday was a good day. we finally get a break from school and guess what? i'm working. so out in the hot sun i go tagging houses w/ my mom's business flyers. it's a great form of exercise and good money if she gets any business out of it. when i'm out there flyering these houses i alwayz think about when i get them at my house. you know how it goes you see this piece of paper littered at your front door and you go great another piece of junk mail. there just to lazy to put a postage stamp on it, or at least i do, as i walk into the house and throw it away. well since i got this job i've thought differently about those "pieces of trash". it is hard work to sometimes no avil going out and hand placing every one of those things. and the ratio of them ever amounting to anything is slim to none. so why do it? that slim few you are willing to give us a try. they see us for who we are. not trashy companies trying to litter their beautiful home. we are hard working business people trying to make our way in the world. so next time you see one of those flyers take into consideration before you throw it our the effort taken to give that to you for the hopes that someone may reward there work. wasn't that just a lovely side note? i think so i was intending to tell you something that i forgot to type last post about my lovely trip to Mrs W.'s office but i'm too tierd to type anymore. the flyer rant was enough for tonight. maybe next time i won't be in the middle of readers dissociation at almost midnight to write. night night zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Wednesday, April 16, 2003 mood : indifferent music : creed- what if i sorry i've forgotten to post these last few days. well in earnest i haven't accually "forgotten" i've just been too busy. but what's the use of excuses, i didn't post and i'm sorry. anywayz first of all i'd like to mention the power of prayer. after my little riot on here sunday i decided to grab out my bible and give it a bit of a workout. the gentale sound of the pages flipping was like music to my ears. and needless to say it really helped. i don't know how unbelievers find forgiveness in there heart w/out the help of God. it is something that i cannot fathom. Back at school. this week was the joyous SAT's which is our school's version of f-cat's. so overall life out to be rather boring. but the joys of my life all my teachers got around the "do not give homework" rule by giving us projects. so on top of my research paper my english teacher gives us an essay. our history teacher got "special permission" to give it anywayz. and in science we dissected a crayfish. so by the end of the day today i wanted to throw up. NHS induction is tomorrow, the joys of my life i have to wear a shirt. grrrrr. i hate shirts, but i'm being rebelous none the less. i'm wearing a tie and my flame shoes. to expand the outfit was purchased at hot topic. won't those preppy teacher just love me now. not to metion my psychotic homeroom teacher that is a part of it. he hates me. ex- he switched the aphabetical order in the seating chart just so ben and I would be in a place where we can't even see each other in homeroom. don't you love it. as aphabetical order dictates we should be right next to each other. so this morning we looked at the seating chart and to no avil our names are circled and every morning he comments about us, and our seats. not to mention that if i'm late one more time for homeroom i'm getting a detention from him. don't you just love favorates. sure when you are the favored one. ha. i would like to elaborate on a joyous trip to the deans office. for the sake that i can't spell her name i'll call her Mrs. W. during my FAV class of the day- Spanish grrrr, i was called to her office. Praying that i wasn't getting a detention from mr. stutzman i ran into ben. like almost litterally. and guess where he was going? i'll let you figure that out for yourself ok? so we go in a she askes us to shut the door. ut-o that is never a good sign. we know we are in for it now. she kindly grabs out the handbook and tells ben to read from some particular section. and well if you are aware that i go to a christian school w/ all sorts of evil rules this is about how it went. "we encourage relationships w/ the opposite sex, but at school you will show no signs of physical contact whatsoever." don't you love it? no holding hands hugs in the morning. nada nothing. it's a deathtrap. of course none of the teachers mind that the "popular" or "favored" kids go during class and make-out, it's just evil ben and boobi who hug in the morning. i swear that school gets worse every day. on sunday we won our bball game, sadly last night (tues) we lost. it was our rival team and well it was tied till the last quarter with five mins left in the game. so it was really fun. i'm still working on the scoring thing. in the game i swear the ball feels like a hot potato and i pass it to someone else everytime. coach and mom are determined to rid me of that fear. i think i'm afraid to let my team down by missing though i'm almost the best shot on the team. the games just don't show it.oh well. i don't know if i have anything else to go on about except the fact we get friday off and i have to work so it really won't be fun. and on easter i'm going to my grandma's house (can we say boring?) so i'll have a very dull very unproductive 3 say weekend. not to mention ben is going camping so i can't see him. tim is going out of towm or i would rollerblade to his house from my grandma's (darn you timmy!!) so i'll wrap it up now. nice chatting w/ you again i promise i'll be back soon. ps. josh thank you for telling me how to make page breaks your a god Sunday, April 13, 2003 mood : awful horrible terrrible and just plain bad music : my sniffling the concert was just great. my bball game is this afternoon. ok cut the crap my life sucks and i want to die how is that for my mood? yea. i really don't want to type right now but i guess you deserve an explanation. i got home from church this afternoon just like any other day. i eat lunch and changed to go pratice bball. just before i walked out the door i decide to call ben and tell him good morning. turns out that he was grounded for forgetting to tell his sister that her boyfriend called on friday. yea she hangs up on me and hates me and purposely kicks ben off the phone all the time just for fun, but ben forgets just one time and he is grounded. and not on just any day eighter, if you remember it's our aniversary today. so he tells me this and we are both in tears and he is forced to hang up the phone. so i'm left on my ben in my bball clothes crying profusely. i'm so angery at the world i want to punch a hole threw my wall. so i read Mathew 5:43- 48 which is about loveing your enemy and doing good to those that hate you and praying for those that curse you. it's a good verse. and i go out side still teary eyes expecting to play bball. well my mom is outside gardening and asks what ids wrong. upon telling her i start to cry again and she does too. she doesn't understand how someone can be grounded for that when even my dad's secratary can forget to tell him calls at least once a week. it's just not fair. so i play bball for about an hour to help get out my anger, and i come back in my room to check my email. sara, my best friend, yes you heard me sara you are still my best friend, writes me hate mail about how she will be friends w/ paperclips instead of me b/c i'm never there for her. so i'm sitting at my computer crying now when ben ims me. and he tells me how he is crying and wants to kill someone. and how unfair it is that his sister is on a petastool. so back to my teary eyed self again. so my day as a whole has been a day of tearful anger and violent rage mixed w/ peace from the lord. i don't know what i would do w/out the lord and i hope you turn to him in your time of nee too. One piece of advise to anyone who has kids in the future or now. do not favor one of your kids and when you punish them please thing about who else you may be punishing at the same time. b/c i don't think i deserved this today just b/c ben's sister is an ass. Saturday, April 12, 2003 mood : tierd music : nothingness hey it's oh 1:00 and i just woke up. pretty bad huh? i normally get up at about, oh, 9:00 or so, but ben, you little booger =), kept me up till about 12:30 on the phone. anywayz i am sopose to be working on my beloved research paper for my pshycotic english teacher, but i took a break to come online. i was just thinking about what the date is today. if you noticed it's the 12th you might be wondering what so special about it? well tomorrow is the 13th and is me and ben's 4 month aniversary!! go us!! to all you ppl that told me it was a bad idea or it would never work out look at that! four months! ha . oh yea last night i mentioned going to that cancer walk over at RPHS. it was interesting. i didn't have a chance to go to the one at kings a couple of weeks ago b/c i was out of town with my former youth group aka " the colt". don't ask. so this was the fist cancer walk i've been to. we stayed for the lumminary candle light service and Buu showed me all the candles of ppl from his support group that have pasted away over the years. and i met all of his friends from the support group (he had prostate cancer 8 years ago) and they were all a bunch of really old guys, but they were nice. everytime i meet old ppl i get the "you look like such a beautiful young lady" and "your dad is so proud of you" and i want to magically poof or appear in my ussual punk clothing and scare the living daylights out of them. but Buu is proud of me and i'm happy to go with him to these things and support the cancer walk. the only thing i was mad about is that they didn't have a tee-shirt that was my size. the team only got large and x-large b/c they didn't know a I was coming w/ Buu so i didn't a shirt. i wanted it for a bball shirt. my theory is you can never have too many white t-shirts when you play bball. =) anywayz i've been spied on and told that i need to work on my research paper. grrrrrrrr but no worries (i'm not stealing that from you josh) i'll be back tomorrow to talk to you again and by the way i'm going to the jars of clay concert at PBA tonight. it ought to be great, not to mention i get to go w/ tim and sarah and ben and all those lovely and great ppl. heheh so i'll tell you about how that goes tomorrow. Friday, April 11, 2003 mood : pondering music : three doors down - when i'm gone hey i'm in a good mood today. that's alwayz encouraging. i'm about ready to walk out the door and go to a cancer walk with my dad. it will be fun. but i was just working on my earth day project which is a daisy with an earth in the middle instead of the yellow part (i forgot what it is called.) one half of it is pretty blues and greens and whites and the other half is in charcole. it's really dark and contrasts to the pretty colors on the other half. the point i'm trying to prove by drawing it is to show how our earth could be destroyed if we don't take care of it. but as i was washing my hands (b/c i got charcole all over them)i thought of how nobody at my school knows that i draw, and the shock i will give them when i show up w/ this drawing. they will probably ask me who i got to do it for me. most likely they will say "did rachel rossin do it for you?" and i wondered how many ppl at that school don't get credit for the things that they do. the few ppl get esteemed for their greatness and the person sitting next to them may be even better than them and nobody would know b/c we don't take the time to care. those of us who go unnoticed just continue our daily lives and the esteemed ppl get living in their happy little world oblivious of their equals right next to them. i have been challenged to step out and show ppl that i'm good at these things and bust their little bubble of happiness. but i have no desire to ruin anybody's life no matter how much i feel they deserve it. i also don't want to be in their postion. i don't want to be esteemed or spoken about and have my name used to hurt other people or drive them to jeleousy. so in the end i think i have put myself back in the same postion i started in. i didn't solve any wonderful world problems or save the planet from any colosal harm, but i have expressed what i feel about this. i'm been thinking about it so much i almost don't want to turn in my paper and show everybody that i have a talent they didn't expect me to. i don't want to shake their happy little world or cause them any greive. and heaven forbid cause them to rethink their opinion of me. how could a small person like me ever have any real significance in the world anywayz? well one day they might be proved wrong, but for now let them live in their little bubble of self-esteem. that's all for now. but don't worry there will be more. Thursday, April 10, 2003 mood : busy (what's new?) music : newsboys remix life. need i say more? it sums up everything so nicely. ohwell. i'd like to say that i may be to o sporatic and crazy to ever do this kind of thing, but i've alwayz thought it would be fun. oh and please excuse all the typos, misspellings (which there will be many), grammar errors, ect. ect. if it bothers you that much you can stop reading now and never come back. hmph |